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What with a strong urge to hibernate, even though I'm sleeping better at night now, and an increase in period-like twinges I think Alicia may make an appearance before the weekend.
I can't wait to meet her!
Once she's here (and I'm compos mentis enough to write a post) I thought it would be interesting to compare my hopes for the birth with the reality. So, here's my birth plan:
BIRTH PREFERENCES FOR ANNA HIGGS
GENERAL
I have SPD (Pelvic Girdle Pain), and cannot open my legs wider than hip width without discomfort.
Ideally, I plan to have a water birth at home with either no or minimal pain relief e.g. gas and air.
I have been preparing for birth with the Natal Hypnotherapy CD and ask that you use the term ‘surges’ instead of contractions and refrain from discussing pain, hurt or time predictions (ie how long I will take) as I would prefer to listen to my body and not feel under pressure to perform.
Please don’t offer medication or labour enhancing procedures unless requested or there is a danger to myself or the baby. If you think intervention is necessary, please give us half an hour to ourselves to make a decision. Please explain: How it will be helpful. What the risks are. Why you think it must be done now. What might happen if we wait another hour. What the advantages and disadvantages are. This may be a routine procedure, but please explain what other approaches there are.
FIRST STAGE
No artificial rupture of membranes. Minimal vaginal examinations – avoiding lithotomy position due to SPD.
Labour to be allowed to take its natural course without reference to ‘moving things along’ or ‘augmenting labour’. In the event of a slow/resting labour I prefer to use natural oxytocinon stimulation and to have the privacy to do so.
Encouragement to drink regularly and go to the toilet.
Please keep conversation to a minimum and where possible direct questions to my husband (especially in the more serious parts of labour) so I can focus on maintaining a calm, relaxed state. I would prefer no trivial conversation so that I can focus on birthing.
My birthing environment to have dimmed lighting, soft music and hypnobirthing CDs playing.
Minimal, intermittent hand monitoring. Help me avoid feeling observed, keeping my birthing environment calm and private with minimal people, talking and monitoring.
Encourage me to breathe quietly and rhythmically through each surge (contraction), with a long exhalation through the mouth.
Slowly say the words ‘3..2..1..relax Anna’ I have heard this so many times on the natal
hypnotherapy CD and it will trigger me to relax and breathe deeply, facilitating an easier birth.
If I request pain relief, initially please take this as a request for more emotional support and encourage me instead e.g. ‘you’re doing really well’, ‘the surge will be over soon and then you can rest’, ‘you’re strong, you can do this’ etc. If I continue to ask for pain relief despite your emotional support and encouragement, I would prefer to have gas and air and for you and/or my husband to help coach me with breathing (slow and rhythmic breathing, longer outbreaths) and massage. If I
request stronger pain relief then a minimal dose of pethidine to be administered.
I would like the freedom to have the pool temperature regulated to my own comfort, and for you to encourage me to leave and re-enter the pool in the first stage of labour as and when I wish. However, I am happy for you to check both the temperature of the water and my temperature, to make sure that I remain comfortable.
DURING BIRTHING
Again, during transition I would appreciate any additional encouragement and emotional support you can give me – reassurance that the baby’s nearly here, I’m doing well etc.
I would like to remain in the pool for waterbirthing. Please do not coach me to push as I will be using mother-directed breathing to allow the natural expulsive pulsations of the body to help the baby descend. I think I will prefer to give birth in a supported kneeling position or on all fours.
Please encourage me to reach down to feel my baby’s head when crowning.
I welcome any help/coaching you can give to ensure my perineum remains intact. Episiotomy only if necessary and use of anaesthetic for this procedure.
FOLLOWING BIRTHING
Immediate skin-to-skin contact with baby placed on my stomach or chest. No wrapping of baby.
Father to place his hand on baby’s back under warming blanket. Baby to remain with me in the pool for an hour before weighing etc. Encourage me to get baby to suckle a few times to assist with natural placenta delivery.
Cord to be clamped only after pulsation has stopped. Father to cut cord.
Allow vernix to be absorbed into baby’s skin – delay ‘cleaning or rubbing’.
No vitamin K orally or by injection.
My feet and ankles have really puffed up in the last few days. On Friday, when it was really hot, I looked as if I had elephantitis! Thank god for my Bite flip flops - they have adjustable uppers which have saved me from being completely housebound. There's no way I could cram my feet into anything else at the moment.
I've been having insomnia at night and craving naps in the day. Now that half term is over I fully intend to embrace my new nocturnalism when necessary. Bless her, Ella was a star yesterday. She had an Inset day so was at home with me. I had hardly slept the previous night and was dead on my feet.
She plonked herself in front of the TV and said she didn't mind have a relaxing day, let me snooze on the sofa and even brought me a drink. Such a sweetie! It was only when her dad came to collect her after 3pm I realised that all we'd had for lunch was a bowl each of natural yoghurt and blueberries (made by Ella). Oops! I'm sure he'd have given her a hearty dinner.
Only a few days to go until my due date. I look fit to burst, although I think Alicia may make her grand appearance closer to father's day (20th) than her due date (10th). For the moment, I'm content to potter round the house, enjoy the sunshine and calmly wait. I would love it if she proves me wrong though!
I have a new niece!
Bella Mae Holford finally popped out two weeks after her due date on 31st May. I am so proud of Jules because she managed to avoid intervention and stuck with just gas and air despite a fairly long labour and some complications such as meconium in the water. She stuck to her guns and insisted on being left to it as much as possible, and finally got the natural birth she deserves.
Here's Bella with big sister Sulis:
and with Granny (my sister, Jules, in the background):
snoozing in the garden:
having a cuddle with mum:
Like me, Jules' first birthing experience was fairly medicalised and scary. I have faith that I can have a similarly satisfying experience second time around. I'm much better prepared this time, having done a hypnobirthing course with John and diligently listening to the hypnobirthing and natal hypnotherapy CD which prepares you mentally for being able to cope well with birth - Jules listened to it too and really thinks it helped.
I prefer the natal hypnotherapy CD as the affirmations make sense to me, it encourages me to practice my breathing (long outbreath, in through the nose and out through the mouth) and the guided beach meditation is so relaxing that I usually end up snoozing through it (luckily it still works if you're asleep!).
I've also read a few books which have convinced me that childbirth doesn't have to be an ordeal:
Childbirth without Fear,
Hypnobirthing
Birthing from Within
These books have also equipped me with the confidence to recognise when certain medical interventions are unnecessary and how to refuse procedures when appropriate to avoid the 'cycle of intervention' (when one medical procedure leads to another and another..increasing the risk of forceps or caesaraean delivery which could have been avoided). They aren't dogmatic though, and I realise that certain procedures in specificn situations may well be helpful. So I will go into boirth with an open mind...
I'm crossing my fingers that Alicia Lily is more punctual than her cousin. I'm due in a week and I'm so keen to meet her. To avoid Jules' agonising, frustrating wait for her new baby I'm telling myself and others that "My due date is 10th June so I'm expecting to drop any time from 10th to 24th June". Or when I'm feeling particularly laissez-faire "I'm due sometime this month".
I'm so keen to meet Bella but unsure about making the 3-4 hour roundtrip when so heavily pregnant. I popped into Reading today, a 20 minute drive away, got measured for a nursing bra, went into H&M for some cute (and brilliantly cheap) baby clothes, stopped for a drink at a cafe and then drove back home. I was completely knackered after that. My SPD/Pelvic Girdle Pain really kicked in during my gentle waddle through the Oracle - despite wearing my tubigrip - so I'm now staggering about the house like an old granny.
Luckily, my lovely sister has told me to stay put this weekend and that they'll come and visit me in a few weeks' time to show off Bella and meet Alicia.
Hari at Thank you for the days has tagged me with 'I bet you didn't know..'. I need to write a list of things you may not know about me. OK, brace yourselves. Here goes...
1. I once jumped 10,000 feet out of a perfectly good Cessna with a fifteen stone man strapped to my back
2. One of the things I'm most proud of is that I started my own free festival, Come Together, in my beloved home town of Henley-on-Thames. People said it couldn't be done, so I did it with no prior experience and no cash - just a vision of providing 'fun for free' for all the different types of people in the area (rich, poor, young, old) and a willing bunch of friends who helped get it off the ground.
It ran for 5 years as a self-funded event, we didn't make any money from it (purposely) and attracted thousands of revellers - one year I even spotted Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page and Robert Plant in the crowd.
3. I appeared on Blockbusters aged seventeen. I wore my Slayer T-shirt (thrash metal band) and had my nose pierced and my hair was dyed black. I was paired with another girl from my school who wore a jumper with a picture of a sheep on it. I would dearly love to still own a copy of that show. We must have looked a picture ;-)
4. I once saved a little boy's life. I was eight years old and noticed the boy walking down steps into a pool. I looked for his parents as I had a funny feeling that something bad was going to happen. They were canoodling in the shallow end nearby but not paying any attention. In seconds, the boy was floating towards me, unmoving, face down in the water. I picked him up, put him back on the step and patted his mum on the back and pointed at her crying son. I didn't tell anyone exactly what had happened as I was worried they wouldn't believe me and would somehow think it had been my fault.
5. I was chased by a baby giraffe and hid in someone's house to get away from it (they were out, so my mum told me off afterwards. But what was I to do?). It was terrifying. I was living on a small game reserve in Zimbabwe at the time BTW. Oh, and we didn't go to school or have any home schooling for six months. Just played and had adventures all day. It was bliss.
6. I went to boarding school from the age of ten, when I had to fly from Germany to the UK with just my little brother for company (with a bit of help from a volunteer lady who escorted minors onto planes). I LOVED boarding school.
7. When I was thirteen, I got suspended from school for a month. A week after my return, I got expelled. I wasn't sorry. It was a Roman Catholic school and we had to say 'Hail Mary' twice a day by the statue of the Virgin Mary amnd go to a full mass once a week whatever our religious beliefs or lack therof. The school was run by misogynistic jesuits. The headmaster used to be a millionaire and had given it all up to become a priest. He was an alcoholic and used to wander around the school pissed with a harris hawk on his shoulder (yes, a real live one)
8. In my twenties I achieved Size Eight status. It was marvellous and I still had boobs. ..
9. I was once hypnotised in Reading train station against my will. Really.
10. I smoked pot every day for over fifteen years. At one point I was such a pot head that I would have a spliff as soon as I'd woken up - before my morning cup of tea. Even on a working day. Actually, that's a lie - it wasn't a spliff it was a huge bong. After years of trying, I finally kicked the habit thanks to Patrick Holford's fabulous book How to Quit Without Feeling S**t which covers every addiction from sugar through to heroin.
11. I have lived, and loved, in Henley for nearly twenty years. Once, I was in my local pub with a girl friend when she asked 'Is it just me, or is this pub full of your ex-boyfriends?'. On closer inspection of the 12 or so punters, I discovered that I had indeed dated EVERYONE in the pub.
12. I have nice straight teeth. This wasn't always the case. I had years of train track braces and horrendous-looking orthodontic headgear which I only wore at night depsite my dentist's advice to the contrary. No way was I wearing that in front of boys!
13. I used to speak French quite well and could watch French films without subtitles and understand them (sadly this is no longer the case). I also used to study Latin and nearly did it for GCSE.
14. I am a course/workshop junkie. I love trying new things. Workshops/courses I have done include: djembe hand drumming, yoga, tai chi, jewellery making, salsa, ceroc, krump, bellydancing, massage, Reiki, Pranic healing, shiatsu...
15. I used to be a keen chorister at school and achieved Grade 5 RSA singing. I would have gone to Grade 8 but I couldn't get my head around music theory as I didn't play an instrument at the time. I've sung solo in front of hundreds of people.
16. I am a PADI Rescue Diver and have scuba dived with sharks (small reef ones mind you, I'm not that brave) and dived shipwrecks in UK, Wales and the Red Sea.
17. I declined my school's recommendation that I sit the Oxbridge exams (admissions for Oxford and Cambridge universities) when I found out how much work would be involved (lots. I never ended up going to university, instead choosing to be a waitress live a life of hedonism for three years (not much different from going to Uni then).
18. Before I die I would like to: go whale watching, see the Northern Lights, become a better mother, wife and friend, make a difference.
I got together with some of my favourite fabulous females yesterday who threw a Baby Shower (my first!) for me. The sun shone, we ate Greek Meze al fresco and spent a relaxing afternoon in each other's company.
I always feel that girlie gatherings are particularly good for the soul. They remind me how lucky I am to have such kind, caring, interesting people in my life.
The impending arrival (only 6 weeks to go!) of Alicia Lily (yes, we have decided on a name. And it's pronounced 'alisseeya' not 'aleesha' BTW) was celebrated in style and both she and I were truly spoiled with lovely gifts including a Wilkinet baby carrier.
Wilkinets supposedly take a bit of getting used to at first as there's a special way to tie them, but they come highly recommended from several friends for their versatility and comfort for mum/dad and baby. Plus they hold the baby in an optimum position for their spine, as well as taking the weight off your own shoulders and back. I'm looking forward to practising my tying technique with El's Baby Annabel!
I start my maternity leave on 10th June - 4 weeks before my due date. I was intending to work till 2 weeks before, but am finding my memory and concentration dwindling and my thoughts turning more and more to babies, stuff I need to by for baby, things I need to do before baby arrives etc.
After a good hour (or more) of idle surfing the other day I'd nearly talked myself into buying one of these instead of a moses basket. As fab as they sound, I figure that I'd be making a rod for my own back though if Alicia has 6-9 months of being able to rock herself to sleep I can't imagine how nightmarish the transition to a cot would be.
My usually eclectic mix of books 'on the go' (I often flit between 3 or 4 fiction and non-fiction books on various subjects in the same month until I've finished them all, then don't read for a week or so and then repeat the process) has now been reduced to Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and Gentle First Year. I love the approach of both, they're quite inspiring.
I'm particularly keen on Gentle First Year's recommendation to get your partner to massage you daily with Rose oil for four weeks post partum (to stave off the 'baby blues' and promote healing), after which you can take over the job yourself. Hmm. As lovely as he is, I am hard pushed to get even a five minute foot rub off J more than once a month.
I'm being a good girl and listening to my natal hypnotherapy CD pretty much every day which is making me feel optimistic that this time my birthing experience can be calm, powerful and within my pain threshold. I was pretty shaken after Ella's birth and felt quite cheated that I had been induced and not supported to 'do it properly' (my feelings at the time, not now).
Thanks to some 'healing past birth trauma' work with my hypnotherapist friend Hari - writer of the hilarious blog Thank you for the Days - a great hypnobirthing course which has also really given J confidence that he can support me in labour and, of course, the CD I just mentioned I'm hopeful that I will have the relaxed water birth at home that I would really love.
Check out these testimonials if you're sceptical that birth can be satisying and not agonising. Oh, and cross your fingers for me please!
Gratuitous Bump Shot:
Ella is always writing cute notes - to me, to John, to herself. Usually about how much she loves us, often a request for food or TV.
The other morning, on seeing the note to John from Ella asking him to make her porridge despite his having to rush to work in the mornings (he made it for her before I got out of bed at 7 - even though she doesn't usually eat brekkie that early) I thought I'd write a note for her:
Ella is pretty and kind
and fun and lovely xxx
So she wrote one back to me:
mum is butifal
and fun kind pashant (patient)
and dus never get to
angry that much I love my mummy
I love you xxxxxxx
Then she suggested we write one together for John:
John is handsome (me)
and fun and very kind (both)
and kind wen he's abot to go he helps me (El)
and he gives great hugs (me)
Then Els wrote one about all of us. By this time she had written at the top of the paper: Powims.
We are all happy and playful
we are all loveing and gentle
and kind we are
all peasefall and
understanding
Cute.
I cut them out and they're all on my fridge, making me smile ten times or more a day.
I've just worked out that my total maternity leave 'income' after I have my baby in June will be around £600/month! Hmm, that'll just about cover our Tescos trips and running my car then ;-)
Of course, hubby will be contributing on top of the government's handouts (my £600 of self-employed person's statutory maternity pay, child tax credit and child benefit) but we only just seem to manage on our joint finances as it is. Aargh!
Someone I know is taking a whole year off for maternity leave and has the first 6 months on full pay and the remaining 6 months on half pay...
Jealous? Moi?!
I'm fretting a little as I really want to spend some quality time with my new baby, but I'm aware as an equal breadwinner I will need to contribute to the family finances much, much sooner than a year after giving birth.
And that first year with Ella was one of the most special, blissful times of my life. I don't want to muddy my last ever experience of My Baby's First Year with stress about money, childcare, deadlines etc
I hope it all works out for us, I know these things usually do. I'm considering working two hours a day while the baby has her afternoon nap when she's somewhere between three to six months old (depending on my bank balance, her sleeping through the night and my sanity levels at the time). Then, putting her in daycare or at a childminder's for 1.5-2.5 days a week when she's one year old and I'm more emotionally equipped to 'give her away'. See, I've sorted it out already but I'm still not sure if that's the right plan to achieve maximum happiness and fulfilment. Which is the only goal worth having in my book.
Sometimes I fantasise about being a 1950s housewife and being able to 'just' be a mum. I tried that with my first baby though, and ended up going back to work after 18 months (instead of the four or five years I originally intended!) as I realised I need more of a balance (and more stimulation) in my life.
Having to juggle conflicting priorities is what we mums do best, whether we stay at home, go to work or do a bit of both. No path is entirely without its stresses, strains and missed opportunities. Oh and guilt, of course.
I just wish I could chill out about this whole work/baby/money/time balance thing and trust in my future. I mean, she isn't even here yet and I'm getting my knickers in a twist about it all.
J reminded me recently that not so many years ago I was a single mum with a toddler, working four days a week, paying for half of Ella's childcare and all of my rent and household expenses, with no maintenance payments.
I managed fine all by myself then and, although I was more stressed and tired than I am nowadays and almost constantly pining for more time with Els, I was pretty content with my lot.
Overall, things are bound to be easier this time around. And I am infinitely resourceful. And all the best things in life are free. Apart from organic food and chiropractors and Eve Lom cleanser and visiting friends when they don't live on your doorstep and broadband and pretty clothes and family-friendly festivals and miracle vitamin supplements and random purchases from Amazon and...
Can't sleep. Again.
Insomnia is partly due to pregnancy, partly doing tax return this evening, and partly J stressing me out just before bedtime about me stressing about tax return.
I've cleared my work inbox and fired off all the 'must get round to doing those' email actions that have been hanging around for a week. Imagine the faces of clients and colleagues alike when they check their emails tomorrow morning, urrr, later this morning, and see missives from yours truly sent at 1.40am!
Am in grave danger of getting an undeserved reputation as a workaholic.
God bless Ebay. I've just rounded off my productive insomnia session with a spot of soporific* shopping.
I have bought:
1. A lavender and hops sleep pillow bag
2. A maternity body support cushion
3. A maternity parka coat. OK, so it won't help me sleep but I'm fed up of the rain and wind attacking my midline now that my normal coats won't do up over my bump.
Right, am finally tired. Nightie night xx
*Don't you just love this word? Hardly get a chance to use it, but love to slip it in when I can.
My friends in the West Country sent me a video of them skiing in their back garden. Very impressive. I like to see people making the most of our weather instead of grumbling about it.
But then I was told about someone snowboarding through Henley town centre a few nights ago, towed by a jeep! I didn't quite believe it until I saw this.
That looks pretty fast.
I'm speechless.
I've just been tagged by A Mother's Ramblings with this High Five Meme. I need to list my top five highlights of 2009 and then tag five other bloggers to list theirs.
So here goes:
1. Getting Married
This is something I've wanted to do since I was sixteen. Due to a penchant for choosing unsuitable men (up until recently of course!) and a tendency to mistake pure lust for love, I've had to wait until the grand old age of thirty-six to marry the Love of my Life. They say the best things come to those who wait.
2. Scuba Diving in Thailand
I used to be a hardcore diver, happy to plunge into the icy depths of the Channel and the Irish Sea in nothing more than a semi-dry (for all you non-divers that's neoprene that is 7mm thick on the arms and legs, and14mm thick on the torso and looks like this).
Since having Ella I've become a committed holiday diver, and a very infrequent one at that. Diving and kids don't mix too well (it's often a pricey holiday and what the hell do you do with your little ones when you're underwater - leave them on the boat with a bunch of strange men?).
Diving with John during our honeymoon just off Kho Phi Phi island, in the Krabi province of Thailand, was a really special experience. John started to learn how to dive in the UK six months before our holiday, doing both his Open Water and Advanced courses so that he was qualified to dive to the same depths as me.
The aquatic life was beautiful and plentiful. Watching the fish and holding hands with my new hubby under the warm, clear Andaman sea was a big high point of 2009. Shame J put his back out the next day, rending him out of action for diving and other wonderful honeymoon pursuits (yes, including that kind) for the rest of the holiday.
3. Falling Pregnant with Number Two (and finding out my lil sis had beaten me to it)
Ever since a year after Ella was born, I have hoped to give her a sibling. I was resigning myself to the fact that I wouldn't ever have another child - firstly due to no suitable potential father, and then once I'd met and fell in love with J hearing him protest frequently that he felt too old, impatient and knackered to deal with a baby.
Somehow, miracle of miracles, the tide turned and J agreed to go for it. I gave up booze, he gave up smoking, and 2 months later I was up the duff. Result. I called my sis, the lovely Urban Pixi whose reaction made me even happier: "I was waiting for you to say that, I'm eight weeks pregnant!".
I'm sure you can imagine my delight at being able to share all the strangeness of pregnancy with a loved one who is experiencing the same things, for example:
- A smorgasbord of aches and pains (back, feet, and occasionally feeling like someone has kicked you in the fanny due to SPD)
- Frequent night-time loo trips
- Bizarre bodily happenings e.g. nipples turning from a light cinnamon to a dark chocolate, a constant view of the inside of our belly buttons, butterfly flutters in our tummies from the little bairns.
I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant, or thereabouts, and Little Peanut is due to make his/her grand entrance on 10th June.
4. Camping in the Witterings
Me, J and Els and a bunch of our favourite people (with a few sorely missed exceptions) went camping in The Witterings.
The sun shone for days, we lounged on the beach and swam in the sea, played in dinghies, made sandcastles, and - when the kids were in bed - had wonderful al fresco evenings involving much quaffing of wine, lots of giggles and a few ticking offs from the campsite owner for our effusive, and rather loud, conversation post-11pm. Tut tut.
All of the eight kids were pretty good throughout our holiday, so much so that the childless members of the group were charmed and broody in equal measure.
5. Working with SAP BusinessObjects
The marketing agency I get most of my work from had their contract extended to work with another part of SAP, and so I took my first steps into the world of Business Intelligence. I won't bore you with the details, but basically this has increased my hours to about 20-25 per week which has turned out to be a perfect work/life and time/money balance for me.
It has also given me the opportunity to get out of the house more (I usually work from home), thanks to regular partner and internal SAP meetings and at least one day a week working on-site at the SAP BusinessObjects offices. To top it all off, some of the new team and new SAP partners are really fantastic to work with, and the software itself is really interesting. Honestly it is!
2009 has been a fantastic year, and I'm fully expecting 2010 to be the best year yet. I have a fabulous, sexy hubby, a beautiful, intelligent daughter, a job I love, a new baby and a new niece/nephew on the way, lots of time, lots of freedom, enough money, wonderful friends. And I know there's more good stuff coming my way.
Bring it on!
I'm tagging these fabulous bloggers to share their 2009 highlights:
My good friend, and (who knew it until now?) wonderfully warm and witty writer Hari at Thankyou For the Days
Undisputed Queen of the Mummy Bloggers, Susanna at A Modern Mother
Feisty, zany and thoroughly entertaining Jo Beaufoix
The no-holds-barred-make-you-pee-your-pants-with-laughter-yet-often-poignant More Than Just a Mother
And, last but not least, the Uber Parent Amy at And 1 More Means Four who is the personification of calm and good parenting - she has four girls with a boy on the way and manages to hold down a part-time job too. Wow.
I'd love to hear some of your highlights too - leave me a comment and let me know what delights 2009 has brought you.
I hosted my first Swap Party on Wednesday evening.
Nothing to do with keys in a bowl or naked people in hot tubs, my Swap Party involved myself and ten lovely ladies who had been exhorted through email, Facebook and face-to-face invitations to:
"Bring any unwanted clothes, shoes, handbags, jewellery, accessories, books, CDs etc. A great excuse for a girlie gathering - and a chance for us all to update our wardrobes and keep a tight hold on our purse strings.
Come armed with your cast-offs and a bottle of booze/non-alcoholic tipple. Nibbles will be provided. Feel free to bring a friend - the more the merrier."
The day before, I'd decided to forget the nibbles idea in favour of something easier and more filling. The thing with nibbles is, unless you just buy crisps n dips readymade, they are a lot more time-consuming and fiddly to prepare than something like a huge bowl of pasta.
Seeing as I was working off-site all day and would only have a couple of hours between finishing work and welcoming guests to raid Waitrose, tidy the house, beautify myself and make dinner (Phew!) I turned to the marvellous Nigella Express for inspiration.
The other challenge was that, due to the numbers, it would have to be a lap meal for most of my friends as my dining table can only comfortably fit six. I fed my guests Festive Fusilli with Halloumi bites which went down a storm. I even found myself polishing off the leftovers for breakfast. Yum!
As a sweet treat I made my Cheat's Pudding. It's delicious and takes about two minutes to make - so it's a bit of a cheat really, hence the name. Although, when I serve it I announce it as Amaretto Pudding (much posher). Here's the recipe:
- Bash a bag of amaretto biscouits with a rolling pin or bottom of a jar/wine bottle (great fun, this bit).
- Mix biccies with equal quantities of creme fraiche and full fat greek yoghurt
- Add honey to taste
- If you're feeling fancy, mix in soft fruit such as raspberries (I used the frozen ones as to buy fresh in Winter is horribly expensive). You can even line a ramekin or wine glass with a layer of fruit first and then dollop the creamy biscuit mixture on top.
So delicious, I guarantee you'll get lots of praise and a few requests for the recipe.
We had such a giggle. We took it in turns to display our wares and if more than one person was interested then the one who looked best in the garment - as voted by the rest of us - got to keep it or, in the case of accessories books etc they reached a gentlewoman's agreement.
Including items other than clothing really helped to get over the size differences. If you just host a clothes swap you need to make sure you have at least two people per dress size so that no one is left out. Surprisingly, most of the girls at my party were size 8-10. Yes, these are my friends! Although a few of us were more 'averagely' sized at 12-14.
To get some of my favourite women together was a thrill in itself, and watching them get to know each other better was wonderful. Of course, some have been friends already for years, decades even, but like most people I no longer have one group of friends who all hang out together like we did in our early twenties. I have friends from different times in my life, who belong to different social circles, siloes of friends whose only link to each other is me.
As it turned out, the masterstroke was encouraging people to bring someone else. There were two people I didn't know at all, and one I only barely knew, which made the evening more exciting. I love meeting new people, it's so stimulating. The three in question are all intelligent, funny, friendly women and so got on with everyone else instantly - so much so, one of them suggested we all go for a girlie night out in January.
What a fun night it was - and a very productive one to boot. I got an amazing pair of shoes, several tops, two necklaces and some books. Brilliant.
My only regret is that a few of my closest friends couldn't make it, for various reasons including childcare issues and illness. Although, I could always host another one....
I'm thinking of a 'swap your unwanted Christmas presents' next. What d'ya reckon?!
Peanut’s First Photo Opportunity
I had my 12 week scan yesterday. I was surprised to see so much at such an early stage. With Els, I was only offered a 20 week scan. I just presumed that my scan photo this time round would look more like a weather forecast than a foetus. Given that Peanut is only 5.5cm long, I was amazed s/he looked so much like a baby.
J was thrilled, said seeing Peanut move about on the screen made it feel much more real for him. Poor love, missing out on all the things that have been making the pregnancy very real for me - nausea, tender breasts, frequent night-time loo trips and extreme tiredness!
Peanut looked a bit boyish to me. I can't wait for the 20 week scan as I'm really keen to know what flavour s/he is. I want to narrow down my name list to male or female only and start harassing J for his real opinion. So far my favourites aren't his and vice versa. Plenty of time to sort it out though.
Is One Surname Better Than Two?
Talking of names, on the morning of the scan whilst cuddled up in bed together before getting ready for school, Ella told me she wasn't sure about being a Barrass-Higgs anymore. I’ve reassured her that whatever she wants her surname to be is OK with me, but she doesn’t need to make that choice until she’s a few years older. But our conversation did make me feel a bit frustrated. Allow me to explain...
When J and I got married I thought it was a great opportunity to finally share a surname with my daughter (I never have done). Being an ultra-reasonable person, I wouldn't dream of taking her dad's name from her (Barrass) so I thought she could have both names ie Barrass (her dad's) and Higgs (my new surname).
I discussed it with her dad, who wasn't too keen for some reason (it's not as if I was suggesting losing his surname in favour of mine). However, he agreed I could discuss the idea with her and let her decide. I assured him I wouldn't change it legally until she was older and completely sure she wanted to add my name to his.
Having both surnames seems to me an apt reflection of her Shared Care Daughter status. She has two families - her House Family which is me and John and her Boat Family which is her dad and his girlfriend. The House and Boat terminology is Ella's own. Her dad lives on a river boat and we share her care 50/50 between both families.
The Freedom of Choice
Anyhow, as much as I thought this new name was a good idea, I am a great believer in Ella having choices and freedom so I was keen to give her the option of being a Barrass or a Barrass-Higgs. After all, it's her name.
So, I discussed it with her in a very neutral way, said it was her choice and I was happy with whatever she chose.
After a few weeks of quiet contemplation, Ella decided she'd like to have both surnames. So I told the school, doctors etc she is to be referred to as Ella Barrass-Higgs on their records but isn't yet listed as that legally - and won't be until (or if) she confirms she'd like to share my surname as well as her dad's. I thought ten years old would be a good age for her to decide once and for all. If she's still sure then, I'll change her name by deed poll.
Fair, yes? Enough said on that topic until she's ten, no need for anymore discussion. Or so I thought.
From our conversation this morning, it turns out El's dad has been chatting to her about how it's not important to have the Higgs on the end of her surname, and giving her examples of other families she knows who all have different surnames from each other.
He’s perfectly at liberty to discuss anything he wants with his daughter, but I was stunned to find this ‘name thing’ has now been playing on Ella’s mind. It was a non-issue for her until that conversation, and I really didn’t think we needed to discuss it again until she becomes ten. I felt quite annoyed.
What’s in a Name?
Ultimately, 'a rose by any other name would smell as sweet' so I agree with El’s dad that it doesn't matter either way. Ella is part of my family whatever her surname. However, I have deliberately held back from influencing her choice as I think it is one she should make for herself in a few years' time, with no undue influence from me or her dad.
Of course I'd like Ella to share a surname with all the key members in her family - her dad, me, her new brother/sister and her step-dad. But, if she prefers to be a Barrass only that's completely cool too.
So why am I getting my knickers in a twist - over something that is really nothing? Pregnancy hormones perhaps....
I'd appreciate your views on this. What do you make of it all?
On a more positive name note, here are my current favourites (but not necessarily J's!) for Peanut:
Kai
Seth
Jasper (J likes this too)
Rufus
Zack
Caleb
or....
Alicia (J likes this..)
Daisy (..and this..)
Phoebe (..and this)
Violet
Laila
Amelia
Chloe
Which do you like best for Peanut Higgs?
There I am intending to mark these exciting early weeks of pregnancy with voracious blogging activity, and what am I doing?
Watching TV mainly (loving True Blood! So excited about the new Gavin and Stacey!). Oh, and sleeping.
My mojo had left the building.
A combination of pregnancy, a horrible cold virus that drained the last reserves of my energy and the onset of Winter had basically turned me into a sofa-loving, bed-hugging almost-hermit.
But I'm starting to fight back! Nettle tea (thanks for the tip, Sarada), my usual concotion of vitamins and a very Helpful Husband (he even cooks now! Well, if you count reheating Covent Garden soup as cooking) are coaxing back my mojo.
The signs are there. I've started to reach back into the big wide world. I'm going for short walks at lunchtime. I'm phoning friends again. Even meeting them at cafes, and accepting dinner invites. Although nights out still don't seem to have the allure they used to.
Last weekend I blossomed into Uber Mum - it happens sometimes - and had a great time with Ella making novelty-shaped cookies, decorating jam jars to use as tea-light holders, and helping her create scrapbook pages on our (rather excellent) Halloween party.
Oh, and cooking delicious meals, taking her to see Fantastic Mr Fox and hosting a sleepover with one of her best friends. Amongst other things.
So I'm quietly optimistic that I'm starting to 'bloom'. Ten weeks pregnant now and it's not just my demaenour that's blooming. My tummy has got a little confused and clearly thinks it's a good deal more pregnant than it actually is. I've heard this happens second time around.
To be fair, before I fell pregnant with Ella I had quite a small tummy. And was two stone lighter than now (sigh).I'm not sure how much of my bump is actual pregnancy bump or just 'can't be bothered to try and hold it all in now that I can get away with it' bulge. I'm already living in leggings and posting desperate cries of help on Freecycle for maternity gear. Ten weeks! I look more like twenty.
That's another thing about second time around. I can't bring myself to pay for anything I might actually need. Because this time I know I won't need it for long. And living in Henley-on-Thames you get a better class of cast-offs daaahling.
In fact, the second-hand baby gear collection has already started. Apart from maternity clothes, I'm not actively seeking anything. Just welcoming anything that pops up on Freecycle. To date: a good-as-new Brita car seat worth £160 and an Ikea chest-of-drawers-cum-baby-changing-table.
And the other thing about second time around is the books I'm reading. Not much about pregnancy and childcare. A lot about childbirth. I'm trying to convince myself it needn't be such a medicalised ordeal. I'm even considering a home birth, or at least starting off that way with the option to finish off in hospital.
The four 'satisfying' birthing experiences I've heard first-hand accounts of have all been home births. I'm sure there's a correlation between being a bit scared in hospital and having pretty much every intervention known to man. And - before the epidural appeared - the worst sacral pain (back-to-back baby, evil Syntocin)in the whole world ever, so much so I distinctly remember thinking that I wouldn't really care if someone started to saw my leg off because it would pale into comparison with the pain I was experiencing. And I wasn't over-dramatising. It really was that bad. I wish I'd done my homework instead of studiously avoiding the whole scary subject of childbirth.
No more horror-movie style screaming for me. Surely that's not natural? I'm planning to prepare myself much better this time. I want a relaxed, bearable birthing experience second time around.Do let me know about your positive birth experiences. It'll boost my spirits even more..
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